LATE-NIGHT RECUPERATION THOUGHTS

Since I didn't get to sleep last night/this morning until after 3 a.m., not doing much of anything today. Good opportunity to blog whatever comes to mind.

I just posted an ad in Janglo asking whether there are any female Jews out there from Cajun country, and that whoever replies, I'll tell them why I'm asking. Been meaning to do that for a very long time now, and finally took the plunge. Gotta start somewhere.

I feel that this blog is a G-dsend. The reason I created it was not to get publicity or rave reviews from readers, but to be able to express myself fully when there doesn't seem to be anybody to listen fully and be fully attentive to me when I'm talking to them. This has been happening to me lately, just a few times too many not to notice. I find it very hard to take. I tell myself often these days that I need to find a whole new set of friends, who can fully relate to me and be 100% there for me. I know everybody has his/her own set of problems and distractions. But this kind of thing just seems to be happening to me a little too often, and I'm feeling that G-d is trying to tell me something... In the meantime, this blog allows me to fully express myself for as long as I want - the blog always has time for me! Anytime! It's a great invention.

I find it hard these days to find people to whom I can relate, or who can relate fully to me. It's very frustrating. Which is why I'm now writing in this blog at 4 pm in the middle of Chol HaMoed Pesach.

I feel in my gut that there are big changes coming in my life, but I can't pinpoint or even guess what these might be.

And then there's the problem of men.... Those very, very few (well, at the moment I can count them on 20% of one hand) I am immensely attracted to, but for whatever reason are wrong for me. And those many who repel me (or perhaps are repelled by me?), or to whom I'm indifferent. The problem of not feeling sexual at all for a very long time. And the question that I have yet to answer satisfactorily to myself: What if I'm in the same place with a guy I'm attracted to, and he starts coming on to me???? Oh, I'm great at planning scripts of what I would say, I have it all mapped out in my head. Like, the fact that I'm looking for either 100% or 0% in relationships, no more flings, affairs or one-night stands. Been there, done that... not being exactly proud of all I've done sexually. But then again, I haven't been tested for a very, very long time... the last time, years ago, I failed the test miserably with a guy I should never have gotten involved with in the first place (he was married). So what guarantees me that I would pass any future test? Especially with a guy I feel an amazing kinship to (not necessarily a sexual attraction)? Could I/would I resist? I'm kind of hoping that I've learned something from past mistakes and resultant hurts and that therefore the answer's a resounding YES.

These are current turmoils in my heart and soul that I have to grapple with, and I'm hoping that, like those sick people who created and wrote their own turmoils in their own blogs and eventually found solace, that I, too will arrive at some definitive resolution...